My wonderful 86 and 87 year old grandparents were married on June 28th, 1945. Over the course of their marriage they created a clan of eight children and fourteen grandchildren, most of whom gathered this past Saturday to celebrate their 65th Wedding Anniversary.
And if I hadn't been already contemplating marriage enough lately, what with the planning of my own upcoming nuptials and our recent "official" engagement, this special event certainly got me thinking.
What is this thing we call marriage anyways? Traditionally it was a way for clans or tribes to join forces, to establish treaties of power and wealth. Brides were offered up to the groom's family with a dowry in order to begin her new household and to safeguard the bride against ill treatment from the groom or groom’s family. Often brides and grooms were “promised” to one another at a very young age (sometimes in infancy) and may not have ever set eyes on one another until their wedding day. Even after their wedding most married couples lived their lives in very segmented ways- the men spending their days with other men and the women with other women.
And if I hadn't been already contemplating marriage enough lately, what with the planning of my own upcoming nuptials and our recent "official" engagement, this special event certainly got me thinking.
What is this thing we call marriage anyways? Traditionally it was a way for clans or tribes to join forces, to establish treaties of power and wealth. Brides were offered up to the groom's family with a dowry in order to begin her new household and to safeguard the bride against ill treatment from the groom or groom’s family. Often brides and grooms were “promised” to one another at a very young age (sometimes in infancy) and may not have ever set eyes on one another until their wedding day. Even after their wedding most married couples lived their lives in very segmented ways- the men spending their days with other men and the women with other women.
This is a far cry from modern marriage, at least in the Western world. Modern marriage is no longer founded on the idea of the joining of two families, but rather on the love and friendship of two individuals. Brides are no longer expected to bring a dowry into the union and the modern couple is likely to incur the wedding expenses on their own. Usually, the modern couple has spent years dating and, more often than not, have spent time living with one another prior to their wedding. The modern couple is expected to work together as a small family unit, spending a good deal of time with one another establishing a household and a way of life that is separate from others.
Now I’m not an expert on marriage or weddings and I certainly don’t claim to be. I haven’t done any formal research on the subject, so my musings are purely anecdotal. But it seems to me that the entire institution of marriage is culturally and historically specific. And although the modern wedding industry would like us to believe that we must have the $30,000+ affair with all the bells and whistles, marriage and weddings are an ever-changing concept that we as individuals have the power to define. It is with this very notion of self-definition that Anthony and I have been approaching our own journey to the altar.
Now I’m not an expert on marriage or weddings and I certainly don’t claim to be. I haven’t done any formal research on the subject, so my musings are purely anecdotal. But it seems to me that the entire institution of marriage is culturally and historically specific. And although the modern wedding industry would like us to believe that we must have the $30,000+ affair with all the bells and whistles, marriage and weddings are an ever-changing concept that we as individuals have the power to define. It is with this very notion of self-definition that Anthony and I have been approaching our own journey to the altar.
At this point in our lives we aren't very religious and we didn't like the idea of a stranger wedding us. So we asked our long-time friend to become ordained and perform the ceremony. We really don’t dig the idea of traditional readings or even traditional ceremony songs- so we’re scrapping both and going with something different. We haven’t got a maid-of-honor or a best man (but we do have a brides-man and a grooms-woman.) We’re into being green so the invitations are going out without response cards (online RSVPs only) and the wedding favors are homemade from recycled products. I’m not into bridal showers (in the slightest), so we had a backyard “6 Months till the Wedding” party instead. And while I am very much appreciative of Anthony's loving gesture, the jury is still out on whether I agree with the notion of engagement rings or down-on-one-knee proposals.
We are picking and choosing the elements of a wedding that best suit us, changing up the ones that don’t without worrying about what is “traditional” or what we “should” be doing. We are creating something that is pleasing to us because at the end of the day, that’s how we are entering into our marriage- attentive to the elements that work and chucking out the ones that don’t.
It is my belief that if we continue to move forward in this way, walking hand in hand in co-creation, that we will enjoy the same matrimonial longevity and happiness that my own grandparents have enjoyed. Maybe someday my own granddaughter will be contemplating her up-coming nuptials as Anthony and I celebrate our 65th Anniversary. Or maybe, by then, marriage will have taken another direction and morphed into something new. I guess only time will tell.
Be well,
Veggie Vixen
P.S. I highly recommend Elizabeth Gilbert's Committed , a well researched memoir on love and marriage.
It is my belief that if we continue to move forward in this way, walking hand in hand in co-creation, that we will enjoy the same matrimonial longevity and happiness that my own grandparents have enjoyed. Maybe someday my own granddaughter will be contemplating her up-coming nuptials as Anthony and I celebrate our 65th Anniversary. Or maybe, by then, marriage will have taken another direction and morphed into something new. I guess only time will tell.
Be well,
Veggie Vixen
P.S. I highly recommend Elizabeth Gilbert's Committed , a well researched memoir on love and marriage.
